Out on the porch with relatives on a sticky night in Kansas content, carefree, and crazy about the fireflies lighting up the night.

Relaxing to mozart music at the hollywood bowl, my eyes lazily following a bouquet of runaway balloons drifting over the ridge behind the hollywood sign.

Celebrating our anniversary in Victoria B.C. strolling along the water as the last northern light dimmed.

Somehow fall's responsibility of DOOR, 7 classes, the LSAT, and law school applications seems a far cry from freedom.

Example: She's recalling what she said when a friend asked her to speak at a college graduation:

"They (parents) want you to love and be loved, and find peace, and laugh and find meaningful work. But they also- they also want you to chase the bunny for a while. To get ahead, sock some money away, and then find a balance between the bunny chase and savoring your life.

But you don't know whether you're going to live long enough to slow down, relax, and have fun, and discover the truth of your spiritual identity. You may not be destined to live a long life; you may not have sixty more years to discover and claim your own deepest truth. As Breaker Morant said, you have to live each day as if it is your last, because one day you are bound to be right.

It might helo if I go ahead and tell you what I think is the truth of your spiritual identity...

Actually I don't have a clue......"

I don't know why I'm drawn to reflections that look so much to the end of life- I also cried through "The Bucket list twice- hopefully it's that I am passionate about making the most of this one and only life!

Observations that encouraged me:

1. Poverty lawyers seemed a little like counselors hearing people's stories, interpreting what is unsaid and then offering practical help to change the explicitly external circumstances, which inevitably have internal consequences.

2. Being heard and having the justice of their cause affirmed really seemed to be a source of hope for the down and out.

3. Finding the legal aspect of the solution to people's problems involves strategic thinking that recognizes patterns and anticipates responses.

Observations that discouraged me:

1. There was a lot of paperwork- making me wonder how much lawyers are just really smart secretaries that know how to fill out the appropriate forms.

2. The legal terminology is just as elitist as philosophical terminology!

3. A decision to turn one's life around legally is often an uphill, hot in the sun battle for many people.

Overall I walked away with a deep respect for the directing attorney- Brittany Stringfellow- otey. Working to make sure that the client's legal concerns are addressed, and yet holding hands and praying, followed by a call to the local food bank to make sure practical needs were met- she is the real deal!

I read the Economist so I do realize that my little middle class American life routine is not a good measure of the ripple effect of global food shortages and their effect on the poorest nations, but I am concerned about my little American life. Will I allow the media slowly move my outlook towards a crisis mode that causes my mind to fixate on my finances and our endangered economy, or will I remember what I experienced in January when parents begged us to take their children back to the United States so they would be fed. Our little American lives might be in a crisis.

If recognizing free choice prevents one from handing out a dollar at traffic stops this is justifiable and perhaps even commendable, but if free choice threatens to undermine the compassion that God calls us to, we are living with more than just a theological inconsistency. Free will is one of the biggest risks and gifts bestowed upon humankind and how much more malevolent would we perceive a God who gave us the burden of free will and then refused us compassion and help upon our frequent misuse. If we have ever received compassion when we have chosen poorly in small things, how can we not extend the same grace to those who have chosen poorly in matters of larger consequence. When sin abounds let us ask for the heart to have the compassion it takes to embody God’s heart in which grace abounds all the more.

"...Take me to you, (Jesus); imprison me, for I - Except you'enthrall me, never shall be free; Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me..." John Donne, Holy Sonnet 14

It was Dietrich Bonhoeffer who prophesied:

The restoration of the church will surely come from a sort of
new monasticism, which has only in common with the old
an uncompromising attitude of life according to the
Sermon on the Mount in the following of Christ. I believe it
is now to call people together to do this

If the monastic movements of the past were driven by a need to provide an alternative to the compromise in the Church, then how much does our own predicament in the modern church parallel a need for an alternative. We aren't selling indulgences in our services, but our lack of protest against our consumer culture, coupled with our lack of practical priority for the least and the lost might be evidence in favor of a different expression of faith.

When Constantine came to power is 313 AD and initiated that powerfully flawed fusion of the church and the Roman empire, true followers of Christ sought to provide another representation of the way of Christ. The Desert Fathers of Egypt and the Benedictine orders are just some of the expressions of groups formed in an effort to simply follow Christ in prayer and mercy. Although every "escape" from the world concerns me, there is something admirable about intentionally countering a compromised culture and church with alternative expressions of the Christian life.

This desire for an alternative is not born out of rebellion against the modern church, but rather a recognition that an organic gathering of people, not simply around weekly services, but around community meals, prayer, and acts of justice and mercy provide greater opportunity to see and be Christ to our hurting neighborhoods and world.

I am sick at heart...
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time;
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound a fury,
Signifying nothing. (Act V, Scene V)

Although this sounds like it could have been written by Sartre or Camus in an attempt to convey existential angst, it challenges my life to act today to connect my life to a story bigger than my own day to day appetites and routine.

The only problem with this life as story concept is that in order for my life to be a good one, there must be significant conflict. I don't know how ready I am for this part of the drama.

This book challenged and inspired me to see the solitude built into my lifestyle as a gift, and yet if I am honest I fear that seeking God will drive me away from belief if my soul hears an echo where I most hope to find the Savior.